10.2.10

My Melodious Version of the Impending Zombie Apocalypse

Part I: Kurt

Kurt stands very still as the wind crackles low

With the ash rising high in the city below
His eyes: frozen steel, now devoid of emotion

His shoulders: hunched forward, like waves in the ocean

His arms: long and sinewy, tau
t and yet slack
As the putrid breeze whistles and
beats at his back
His legs remain braced; a slight bend to hi
s knees
Not a trace of defeat, nor a trace of disease
His shirt: it is tattered, exposing one scar

And his teeth: they grind slowly; he knows they’re not far

His boots have been tightened, and thrice reinforced

The hair on his face isn’t long, but it’s coarse

Then it starts: as the cityscape’s dusk turns to dawn

Like a fresh, grisly canvas so recently drawn
This scene springs to life, or quite r
ather, to death
There’s a chill in the air, but Kurt ca
n’t see his breath
A lone figure appears from the smoke an
d the pyres
A deformed silhouette from the heat of the fires
Its intentions are clear, they cannot be mistaken

Its purposeful pace, Kurt is sure,
won’t be shaken
The figure is opposite Kurt; it adva
nces
Its glaring eyes blind as pure hate or ro
mance is"Guys, I think I smell something delicious..."

But Kurt knows he can’t run, and he knows he won’t yell
Though he sees, here before him, the essence of Hell
Kurt stays on his perch, on the hood of this Ford
With a passive persona that almos
t looks bored"All right, just blend in, Kurt. Blend in."

His grip slowly tightens on the hilts of his weapons
This street: the arena he’ll soon need to step in

He scratches a K in the roof of that Escort

And prays (to what God?) for some
hint of support
It begins with one groan that evolves to six shrieks:
The same screech that has haunted his dreams these past weeks

There’s no longer one figure; there’s twelve, now there’s thirty

Kurt’s hands—hardly clean—are about to get dirty
With a squint and a grunt, Kurt begins his routine

First he pops
a few pills that are made of caffeine
Then he takes from his sack (which
was off to the side)
The same blouse that his wife wore the night that she died

And he fashions a headband of silk and of lace

To remind him of her (and keep hair off his face)
He then does twenty pushups, and stretches his quads
To a bystander, yes, this would likely look odd
Now he’s limber, he’s willing, he’s able and ready
His swords are both drawn, and his hands are both steady
Kurt turns to the hoard; they are thirty no more
Yes, for every square yard, he can co
unt at least fourHere comes trouble!

He then turns on his iPod, his ‘enD of wrld’ playlist
As corpse after corpse does approach from the day mist
Iron Maiden—their melody rings a song true

It’s of beasts and of numbers; Kurt knows what to do

So with nerve endings twitching, and aching limb
s throbbing
Kurt curses the Devil, for souls he is robbing

But takes a step forward, then three, and now five

Still incredulous that the once-dead are alive
But he levels his blades, and he hastens his pace

Quite resigned to survive, or to die in this place
Now he’s inches from battle, his arms are now swinging

And metals of death in his ear
s are now singing Kind of like this, except Iron Maiden is playing. Also, swords.

Here we go, Kurt reflects, now
amidst his first thrust
With a hint of delib
’rate and haughty blood lust
I’ll never surrender, I’ll never retreat

And if death is your thing, then you’re in for a treat

‘Cause I’ve prayed for my wife, and the souls that are lost

Are you hungry, my friends?
Well, I hope you’ve all flossed
His first swing is a miss, but the second connected

Bite this! bellows Kurt, to the dead resurrected

Never Underestimate. Never.

This is to the tune of Rufus Wainwright's "Hallelujah". Working title: "I Can't Believe How Many Accommodating Pictures I Found For This Song On The Interweb ".


v. 1

It’s Friday night, the evening’s young

Festivities have just begun

The alcohol is flowing, this is true, yeah

A bottle of wine, a third, a fourth

My eyes look north, then south, then north

My date: she’s very cute, so hallelujah

Hallelujah (4x)

v.2

She heads to the restroom to powder her nose

I wait until the door is closed

I truly, truly doubt she has a clue, yeah

I snag a Valium from my pants

(This is my version of romance)

Kapow! Into her drink now, hallelujah

Hallelujah (4x)

v.3

When she comes back she sees the pill

Inside her drink, but even still

She gulps it with a wink and with a, “Boo, yah!”

The booze and pill, they’re both inside

She burps, “Ain’t my first pony ride”

And I let out just one silent, “Hallelujah”

Hallelujah (4x)

v.4

The minutes pass, and something strange

Begins real deep inside my brain

She says, “You never see this coming, do ya?

You like to roofie? So do I!”

And with a bellow battle cry

She shouts “The joke’s on you, so hallelujah!”

Hallelujah (4x)

v.5

The thing that I remember next

Is vaguely very violent sex

That might involve my butt and yes, a tuba

I barely can describe my shame

I’m beaten at my own damn game

This isn’t a good time for hallelujahs

But hallelujah (4x)


v.6

So judge me not for my excuse

For becoming a deranged recluse

Whose balls are now just always, always blue, yeah

But really, now my lesson’s learned

I played with fire, then got burned

And now my butt--

Actually, no. No more "hallelujahs." At this point there’s absolutely no reason for me to use that word. Like, for the rest of my life. Ever. I’m done. Also, I'm emotionally/physically scarred pretty much forever. This--I'm sorry, this song is over.


27.6.09

Ooh, baby...

Not that I plan on procreating anytime soon, but s/he better have a good sense of humor. This is to the tune of Carolina Liar's "Tell Me What I'm Looking For."


v.1

Hey, wake up; I’ve been in my crib too long

You can’t shut me up, the smell here is far too strong

God help me ‘cause I’ve pooped my pa-aaa-nnts


c.1

Save me, I smell

This diaper’s filled up with stink

It would be fucking swell

For you to clean me up, I think

Help me ‘cause I pooped my pants

Help me ‘cause I pooped my pants

Oh, Lord


v.2

I had a nap, and dreamed about hot dogs and booze

Then my pants were full, as soon as I woke from my snooze

Please help me ‘cause I’ve pooped my pants


c.2

Save me, I smell

Just like the wrong side of a farm

I’m not sure I can tell

But these fumes might be doing me harm

I’m crying ‘cause I pooped my pants

I hate you ‘cause I pooped my pants

Oh, Lord


(bridge)

Fuck you Dad I pooped my pants

This sucks so much I pooped my pants

That’s why I’ve got this furious stance


c.3

Save me, I smell

It’s clear that you suck as a dad

If I could talk I’d tell

You why I’m so goddamned mad

Save me, I smell

Whenever I move there’s a ‘squish’

For you to get off your ass

And clean me is my only wish

Motherfucker poop in my pants

I’ll poop on you when I get the chance

I hate you more than Mommy hates ants

My butt would like a diaper advance

Oh, Lord