Never Underestimate. Never.

This is to the tune of Rufus Wainwright's "Hallelujah". Working title: "I Can't Believe How Many Accommodating Pictures I Found For This Song On The Interweb ".

v. 1

It’s Friday night, the evening’s young

Festivities have just begun

The alcohol is flowing, this is true, yeah

A bottle of wine, a third, a fourth

My eyes look north, then south, then north

My date: she’s very cute, so hallelujah

Hallelujah (4x)

v.2

She heads to the restroom to powder her nose

I wait until the door is closed

I truly, truly doubt she has a clue, yeah

I snag a Valium from my pants

(This is my version of romance)

Kapow! Into her drink now, hallelujah

Hallelujah (4x)

v.3

When she comes back she sees the pill

Inside her drink, but even still

She gulps it with a wink and with a, “Boo, yah!”

The booze and pill, they’re both inside

She burps, “Ain’t my first pony ride”

And I let out just one silent, “Hallelujah”

Hallelujah (4x)

v.4

The minutes pass, and something strange

Begins real deep inside my brain

She says, “You never see this coming, do ya?

You like to roofie? So do I!”

And with a bellow battle cry

She shouts “The joke’s on you, so hallelujah!”

Hallelujah (4x)

v.5

The thing that I remember next

Is vaguely very violent sex

That might involve my butt and yes, a tuba

I barely can describe my shame

I’m beaten at my own damn game

This isn’t a good time for hallelujahs

But hallelujah (4x)

v.6

So judge me not for my excuse

For becoming a deranged recluse

Whose balls are now just always, always blue, yeah

But really, now my lesson’s learned

I played with fire, then got burned

And now my butt--

Actually, no. No more "hallelujahs." At this point there’s absolutely no reason for me to use that word. Like, for the rest of my life. Ever. I’m done. Also, I'm emotionally/physically scarred pretty much forever. This--I'm sorry, this song is over.